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360 Humor Quotes to Make You Laugh

Last Updated: October 7, 2022 by Team

Humor is our saving grace, and it helps keep us psychologically healthy. Humor truly is the best medicine for your soul. Not only does humor reduce stress, but it also lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins.

Humor allows us to laugh at ourselves and life. Something we all need in our day-to-day lives is a good laugh. And a good sense of humor is a blessing.

Take a much-needed break from your day to check out these 360 humor quotes we found in stand-up comedy, books, plays, celebrity Twitter and interviews, movies, and TV shows, guaranteed to give you a quick chuckle.

360 Quotes on Humor

Top 10 Humor Quotes

“Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.” – Mark Twain

“A camel is a horse designed by a committee.” – Sir Alec Issigonis

“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” – Jane Wagner

“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.” – Paul Fix

“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” – Clairee Belcher

“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.” – Yogi Berra

“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.” – Henry Ward Beecher

“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.” – Steve Martin

“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.” – Frank A. Clark


Dark Humor Quotes

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“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” – Dennis Wholey

“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.” – Jean Rostand

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey

“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.” – Stan Laurel

“Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.” – Frank Semyon

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright

“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” – Mel Brooks

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” – Steven Wright

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams

“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.” – John Maynard Keynes

“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” – Stephen Colbert

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin

“A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” – Mortimer Brewster

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston Chruchill

“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”

“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Foxx

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry

“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.” – Anton Chekhov

“I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.” – Larry David

“I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.” – Emily Charlton

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

“A waist is a terrible thing to mind.” – Karen Scalf Linamen

“can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.” – Fred Allen

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” – Steven Wright

“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”

“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.” – Larry David

“The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.” – Josh Billings

“I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.” – Ron White

“When all else fails, there’s always delusion.” – Conan O’Brien

“We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” – W. H. Auden

“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.” – Fred Allen

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” – Dylan Thomas

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

“The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.” – Jim Harrison

“I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.” – BIll Murray

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing

“A sense of humor… is needed armor. Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.” – Hugh Sidey

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

“Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.” – Bill Murray

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

“What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.” – Aunt Voula

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James

“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin

“I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” – Carrie

“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.” – Navjot Singh Sidhu

“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” – Mae West

“You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn;t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.” – Jon Stewart

“Comedy is acting out optimism.” – Robin Williams

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.” – Erma Bombeck

“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” – Zach Galifianakis

“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

“Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.” – Phil Connors

“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?.” – John Barrymore

“No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.” – Samuel Taylor Coleridge

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Waterson

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope

“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.” – Langston Hughes

“This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.” – Bill Maher

“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.” – Gilbert Gottfried

“Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?” – Lillian

“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

“Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.” – Jessica Simpson

“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

LOL I don't mean to brag, but i put together a puzzle in one day. The box said 2-4 years.

Sense Of Humor Quotes

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“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Dennis Waitley

“A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place.” – Michael Douglas

“Sickos don’t scare me. At least they’re committed.” – Michelle Pfeiffer

“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” – W. C. Fields

“If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.” – Claire Foster

“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” – Rita Mae Brown

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“These drapes are awful. One of us will have to go.” – Oscar Wilde

“Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?” – Shelley Darlingson

“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” – Sam Levenson

“I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”

“f you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“All men are equal before fish.” – Herbert Hoover

“High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” – Christopher Morley

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” – Samuel Goldwyn

“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“If you think you have it tough, read history books.” – Bill Maher

“What’s another word for Thesaurus?.” – Steven Wright

“Next to power without honor, the most dangerous thing in the world is power without humor.” – Eric Sevareid

“According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.” – Jay Leno

“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” – Wanda

“The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.” – Conan O’Brien

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” – Oscar Wilde

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” – Derek Bok

“Trying is the first step toward failure.” – Homer Simpson

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner

“Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.” – J.R. Ewing

“You can’t fix stupid.” – Ron White

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.” – George Burns

“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson

“Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’?” – Neil DeGrasse Tyson

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” – Mark Twain

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White

“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Steve Carell

“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.” – Desmond Morris

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” – Robert Bloch

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck

“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” – Ellen DeGeneris

“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” – Oscar Levant

“Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.” – Leo Rosten

“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.” – Naguib Mahfouz

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” – Mark Twain

“Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.” – J. Paul Getty

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” – Dave Barry

“I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.” – Demetri Martin

“Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.” – Jeffree Star

“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” – Erma Bombeck

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Noel Coward

“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter

“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.” – Bill Vaughan

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” – Sam Levenson

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” – Steven Wright

“A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing.”

Find a man who stares at you like you are the prettiest demon he's ever seen in his life.

Political Humor Quotes

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“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.” – Charleton Heston

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz

“What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” – Pearl S. Bailey

“To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.” – George W. Bush

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno

“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fatz Domino

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers

“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” – Winston Chruchill

“He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.” – George Bernard Shaw

“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” – Norm Crosby

“My perfect beautiful miracle baby? Never slept. Ever. Never. Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” – Shonda Rimes

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.” – Jennifer Jones

“I wouldn’t camp out for five days if was… camping.” – Ron White

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.” – Ferris Bueller

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – John F. Kenendy

“Americans are incredibly impatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.” – Jim Rohn

“In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.” – Demetri Martin

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle

I want someone who can't stop kissing me and pulls me back in everytime I try to pull away.

Humor Quotes About Life

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“Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.” – Joan Collins

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.” – Doug Larson

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” – Phyllis Diller

“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.” – Henny Youngman

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” – Gertrude Stein

“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.” – Oscar Levant

“I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.” – Dr. Peter Venkman

“A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.” – Marty Allen

“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” – Lt. Frank Drebin

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx

“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.” – Paul R. Ehrlich

“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” – Jarod Kintz

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” – Rose

“Woke up today. It was terrible.” – Grumpy Cat

“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.” – Laurence J. Peter

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers

“I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.” – Harold Wilson

“Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.” – Allen Klein

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” – Bob Hope

“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” – Ronald Reagan

“Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” – Bob Thaves

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright

“Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.” – Jim Davis

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington

“Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.” – Margaret Culkin Banning

“Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.” – Voltaire

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” – Albert Camus

“If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” – Clark Griswold

“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” – Johnny Carson

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth

“I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.” – Henny Youngman

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Matt Groening

“I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood.” – Seth MacFarlane

“I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.” – Elon Musk

“Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.” – Christopher Morley

“Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.” – Oscar Wilde

“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.” – Demetri Martin

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

“Humor is laughing at what you haven’t got when you ought to have it.” – Langston Hughes

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” – E. B. White

“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” – Charles Dudley Warner

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie

“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

“It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.” – Harry Hill

“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” – Ace Ventura

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Leibowitz

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” – Mitch Hedberg

“The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.” – Jacob August Riis

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

“Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” – Clarence Darrow

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.” – Sid Caesar

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.” – Helen Rowland

“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne

“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.” – Gilbert Gottfried

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.” – William Arthur Ward

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx

“There is nothing like a gleam of humor to reassure you that a fellow human being is ticking inside a strange face.” – Eva Hoffman

“If at first you don’t succeed, quit. When life gives you lemons, quit. When the going gets tough, the tough just quit.” – Jim Rome

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” – W.C. Fields

“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison

“There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.” – Surgeon

“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.” – Thomas Lansing Masson

“Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.” – Ozzy Ozbourne

“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea

“It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously.” – Oscar Wilde

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” – Bill Vaughan

“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin

“I told you to go to Cox’s and buy a searsucker suit, but it looks like you went to Sears instead.” – Jay Shulte

“A good laugh makes any interview, or any conversation, so much better.” – Barbara Walters

“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott

“The reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated.” – Mark Twain

“My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” – Bobby Boucher

“If you want to look thin: hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx

“I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” – Sheldon Cooper

“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman

“My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” – Maria Bamford

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” – Carl Sagan

“I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.” – Henny Youngman

“I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.” – Dory

“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”

“Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.” – James Thurber

“It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.” – Bill Hicks

“He who laughs, lasts.” – Mary Pettibone Poole


Humor Quotes For Work

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“Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.”

“Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.” – Victor Borge

“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” – Tina Fey

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.” – Rich Hall

“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” – Oscar Wilde

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” – Bill Cosby

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Shulz

“I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.” – Scott Adams

“I drink to make other people more interesting.” – Ernest Hemingway

“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” – Dorothy Parker

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“Laugh as much as possible, always laugh. It’s the sweetest thing one can do for oneself & one’s fellow human beings.” – Maya Angelou

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” – Bill Maher

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Emo Philips

“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” – H. L. Mencken

“I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.” – Peter Cook

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

“Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.” – Yogi Berra

“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

“The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard

“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” – Tina Fey

“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.” – Adam Gropman

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” – George Carlin

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman

“I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” – Michael Scott

“The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.” – Jon Stewart

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” – Woody Allen

“Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.” – Mark Withers

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom

“You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.” – Joel Osteen

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin

“I live about four muggings from Central Park.” – Henny Youngman

“Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.” – Emo Philips

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” – George Carlin

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” – Erma Bombeck

“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” – David Letterman

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” – Will Rogers

I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn ice cream into breakfast.

Humor Quotes About Love

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“When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis

“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” – President Merkin Muffley

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin

“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.” – Natalie Wood

“Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.” – George Burns

“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.” – Thomas Sowell

“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” – Jerry

“If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip

“Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.” – John Lennon

“If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.” – Chuck Palahniuk

“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.” – Elise

“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.” – Janet Evanovich

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles Schulz

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.” – Joe Fox

“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Mathau

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

“When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.” – Larry

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood

“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” – Pete

“Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.” – Lessons from the Minivan

“That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.” – Midge Maisel

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx

“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.” – Harry

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”

“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” – Damien Fahey

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” – Woody Allen

“Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.” – Will Ferrell

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” – Rita Rudner

“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” – Halley Reed

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” – George Carlin

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” – Joan Rivers

“Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.” – Mae West

“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin

“A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.” – Franklin Jones

“Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.” – George Eliot

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman

I want you to run your tongue up my inner thighs.

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