Sarcastic Quotes And Funny Sarcastic Jokes
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300 Best Sarcastic Quotes And Funny Sarcasm Sayings

Sarcasm is “a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark” that is a taunt form of humor. It’s funny and witty and brings humor into our lives, but it also gives the most brutal kind of honesty. But in the meantime, Sarcasm may also employ ambivalence and be a little harsh. However, Sarcasm is not necessarily ironic.

We listed some of the best sarcastic quotes here. I’m sure you’ll not just take pleasure in the funny, sarcastic quotes but love them. It’s easier to express our feelings to other people by being sarcastic. Life will be more fun to live!

300 Sarcastic Quotes

Top 10 Sarcastic Quotes

“Have no fear of perfection — you’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali

“Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” – Walter Kerr

“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.” – Victor Borge

“An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Robert Oppenheimer

“If everything seems to be going well, you have overlooked something.” – Murphy’s Laws

“People that pay for things never complain. It’s the guy you give something to that you can’t please.” – Will Rogers

“To form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must, above all, be a sheep.” – Albert Einstein

“A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” – Winston Churchill

“Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures.’” – Robin Williams

“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

GOOD GIRLS ARE MADE OF SUGAR AND SPICE.. BUT ME AND MY GIRLS ARE MADE OF WHISKEY AND ICE.

Motivational Sarcastic Quotes

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“If I had to pay you a dollar for every smart thing you say, I’d save a lot of money.”

“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I thought you already knew.”

“I’m sorry I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.”

“I’m quite sarcastic, and I’m funny, but not kind of funny. It’s a weird funny, and some people don’t get me, and some people do.” – Millie Bobby Brown

“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”

“I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”

“A paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.”

“I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.”

“I have to stop saying how stupid you can be. Some people are starting to take it as a challenge.”

“I hate when I am about to hug someone sexy, and my face hits the mirror.”

“Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face is pretty messed up!”

“Did something bad happen to you, or are you just naturally ugly.”

“Controlling my tongue is no problem. It’s my face that needs deliverance.”

“Congratulations! You’ve managed to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit again. Would you like an award for that?”

“Come here, you big, beautiful cup of coffee, and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.”

“Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?”

“Apology accepted. Trust denied.”

“An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.”

MY DOCTOR IS CONCERNED ABOUT MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. I TOLD HIM, WELL NEXT TIME DON’T LEAVE ME SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR TWO HOURS.

Inspirational Sarcastic Quotes

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“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Robin Williams

“People who write “u” instead of “you.” What do you do with all the time you save?”

“People who reply to my sarcasm with sarcasm are my favorite.”

“People think I’m shy because I don’t get involved in their conversations. The truth is, I don’t give an f..ck what they’re talking about.”

“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”

“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”

“Resting b..tch face saves me from so many conversations I don’t want to be a part of.”

“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”

“It’s a match made in heaven…by a mentally disabled angel.” – Woody Allen

“I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea.”

“Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”

“Abracadabra! Nope. You’re still a b..ch.”

“It takes two to lie… One to lie and one to listen.”

“It must be hard putting makeup on your two faces every day.”

“It is better to be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.” – Mark Twain

“I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables, but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts.”

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”

“I don’t know how to accept compliments. So thanks, suck a d..ck or whatever.”

“If I ever need a heart transplant, I’d want my ex’s. It’s never been used.”

“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”

“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”

“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”

“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”

“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

“If anything can go wrong, it will.” – Murphy’s Laws

“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately, not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams

“Girl, you’re like a car accident, cause I just can’t look away.”

“Forgive and forget? I’m neither Jesus, nor do I have Alzheimer’s.”

“Excuse me, which level of hell is this?”

“I believe in annoyed at first sight.”

“I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me.”

“Hey! I had shoes like those once. Then my father got a job.”

“Here’s a tissue, you have a little bullshit on your lip.”

“Don’t be an a..hole to me, cause then I have to be an a..hole to you. And I’m way better at being an a..hole than you are.”

I USED MY MANNERS TODAY. I SAID PLEASE. WELL, ACTUALLY WHAT I SAID WAS BITCH PLEASE. BUT WHATEVER.

Funny Sarcastic Quotes

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“Zombies eat brains. Don’t worry; you’re safe.”

“Your flexibility amazes me. How do you get your food in your mouth and your head up your ass all at the same time?”

“You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.”

“You’d be in good shape… if you run as much as your mouth.”

“You: Go to Hell!Me: See you there.”

“Sweetie, leave the sarcasm and insults to the pros. You’re going to hurt yourself. Go play in traffic.”

“Sure, I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”

“Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go.”

“Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.”

“Sometimes, I wish I could get a refund on the time I have invested in people that weren’t worth it.”

“I’m 97% sure you don’t like me, but I’m 100% sure I don’t care.”

“I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.”

“Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!”

“Oh, my bad. I’m sorry for bothering you. I forgot I only exist when you need me for something.”

“Oh, and I suppose the apples ate the cheese.” – Suzanne Collins

“I don’t have a bad temper. I have a quick reaction to bullshit.”

“Nothing brings a group of a…holes together faster than something that’s none of their business.”

“Not many people can listen to you and survive. I should be getting an award.”

“Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.” – Cassandra Clare

“I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.”

“Don’t argue with fools, because people from a distance can’t tell which one is you.”

“Some people will only like you if you fit inside their box. Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass.”

“If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.”

“If you don’t like and still watch everything I do, b..tch you are a fan.”

“Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.”

“I’m not petty, I’m dead ass disrespectful and I will straight up disrespect you if you want to play that petty game. Your feelings will be hurt.”

“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”

“I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”

“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”

“Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.”

“I’m going to hell in so many different religions.”

“I’m confident my last words will be, “Are you fu…ng kidding me?”

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

“If you see me smiling, it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing, it’s because I’ve already done it.”

“If you press the elevator button three times, it goes into hurry mode.”

“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”

“You inspire my inner serial killer.”

“We all have problems. Some of us choose not to post them on Facebook.”

“Warning. I’m bored. Things could get dangerous.”

“Violence won’t solve anything. But it sure makes me feel good.”

“Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.”

“If you are cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?”

“I’m an odd combination of “really sweet” and “don’t mess with me.”

“I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.” – Frank Lloyd Wright

“I’m a morning person but often choose to sleep straight through it.”

BEING ABDUCTED BY ALIENS MIGHT JUST BE THE VACATION I NEED AT THIS POINT.

Epic Sarcastic Quotes

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“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”

“You know you’re awesome when people you don’t even know hate you.”

“You know what I like about people? Their dogs.”

“I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.”

“I’m good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.”

“Underestimate me. That’ll be fun.”

“Ugliness can be fixed; stupidity is forever.”

“Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.”

“True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.”

“When I’m feeling down, and someone says, “suck it up,” I get the urge to break their legs and say, “walk it off.”

“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”

“Well, at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”

“To insult me, I must value your opinion. Nice try, though.”

“Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately, it kills all its students!”

“This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.”

“Think I’m, Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!”

“They say women speak 20,000 words a day. I have a daughter who gets that done by breakfast.”

“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you could have a key made.”

“People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.”

“People ask me, “Why are you single? You’re attractive, intelligent, and creative.” My reply is, “I’m overqualified.”

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein

“If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny, or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder

“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”

“Breaking someone’s trust is like crumpling up a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over, but it’s never going to be the same again.”

“Boy: I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl: I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties.”

“Babies are so lucky. They can sleep all day, and everyone still would be proud of them.”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking that I think that you’re thinking I’m thinking because if you think that I think what I think I’m thinking then we’ve got a problem?”

“Are you always this retarded, or are you making a special effort today?”

My life is  one big. WOW, OK.

Rude Sarcastic Quotes

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“You: Do you want a piece of my mind?”

“Only dead fish go with the flow.”

“One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average.” – Jonathan Fuerbringer

“Oh… I didn’t tell you. Then it must be none of your business.”

“In my defense, I was left unsupervised.”

“If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.”

“You: Do you think I am stupid?Me: It’s not your fault.”

“You, sir, are the human version of period cramps.”

“You sound better with your mouth closed.”

“When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.”

“Whatever you do, always give 100 % unless you are donating blood.”

“What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically, better.”

“What we feel and think and are is, to a great extent, determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera.” – Aldous Huxley

“What did I do to give you the impression I care about what you think?”

“What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.” – Mark Twain

“You have no one to blame but yourself. Unless some other guy is standing next to you, then you can blame him.”

“You fell asleep! No, I just closed my eyes for a few hours.”

“You are the result of 4 billion years of evolution. So act like it.”

“If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whose funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, “haven’t decided yet.”

“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”

“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are the Monday of my life.”

“Dear Life. Could you at least start using lubricant?”

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” – Fred Allen

“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”

“If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”

“If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”

“You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.”

“You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”

“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”

“Yesterday, I fell from a 10-meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.”

“When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.”

“When people see you lying down with your eyes closed, they still ask, “Are you sleeping?” And I’m like, “No. I’m training to die.”

“When people don’t make sense, listen to music. It always does.”

“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”

“The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes. Otherwise, I would have sent a letter by fucking mail.”

“The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.”

“The human race is lucky. I’m a nice guy. Otherwise, only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.”

“That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”

“If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”

“You are offended by the things I say? Imagine the stuff I hold back.”

“If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married, you can’t even change the TV Channel.”

“If the teacher tells you to get out, it means you have won the argument.”

“Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I could do so much without you.”

“Tell me. Is being stupid a profession, or are you just gifted?”

“I’m a lady, but when I’m mad, I am an evil sadistic demon spawned b..ch from hell that will make you regret the day you were born. And when I’m happy, I like to bake cookies and shit.”

If I was a dog, I exactly know whom to bite.

Sarcastic Quotes About Life

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“When something goes wrong in your life, just yell “Plot Twist” and move on.”

“My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.”

“Life is a soup, and I’m a freaking fork.”

“If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.”

“I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than f..ck.”

“I’m not saying I hate you. But I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.”

“Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?”

“Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.” – Aldous Huxley

“Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.”

“Listen, I’m a nice person. So if I’m a b..ch to you, you need to ask yourself why.”

“Here, let me drop what’s important to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs.”

“Good morning, world! Your little ray of scorching sunshine has arrived!”

“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

“I need a cocktail. Hold the tail.”

“Good judgment comes from experience. And experience? Well, that comes from poor judgment.”

“Don’t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse.”

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright

“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade; I’ll take the pin.”

“Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.” – Murphy’s Laws

They say 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40. All I know is the older I get, the more 9PM is the new midnight.

Sarcastic Quotes About Work

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“Work tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.”

“The more that learn to read, the less learn how to make a living. That’s one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know, the more you think somebody owes you a living.” – Will Rogers

“Sweetie, I’m going to need you to put those few remaining brain cells together and work with me here, okay?”

“In all honesty, things would’ve never worked between us. I’m a unicorn; you’re a donkey; I’m majestic, and you, my love, are just an ass.”

“My loyalty cannot be bought. However, it can be rented.”

“My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.”

“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”

“I know I don’t have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. I would hate to be wasteful.”

“I haven’t even gone to bed yet, and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.”

“I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.”

“Sarcasm: Helping intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

“I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk.”

“My girlfriend is so good at playing hide and seek. I haven’t found her yet.”

“My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”

“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”

“Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you’re able to persecute.” – Jonathan Kellerman

“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” – Abba Eban

“Hey, what a coincidence! You have the same name as my dog!”

“I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.”

“Don’t worry about what I’m doing. Worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.”

“Most people have “Ah-ha” moments. I have “Oh for f..ck’s sake, f..ck this shit” moments.”

“Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we dislike.” – Oscar Wilde

“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you; they can’t laugh either.”

“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”

You can always believe in sudden surprises. Things can change for you in seconds. Wait for it.

Sarcastic Quotes About Love

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“The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.” – Murphy’s Laws

“Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love.” – Benjamin Disraeli

“Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.” – Murphy’s Laws

“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”

“My soulmate is out there somewhere, pushing a pull door. I know it.”

“My son asked me what it’s like to be married, so I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.”

“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”

“Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile on your face when pushed down the stairs…”

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” – Albert Einstein

“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”

“My mother didn’t raise a fool. A psychotic cold-hearted b..ch. But not a fool.”

“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”

“My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.”

“I’ve got a good heart, but this mouth…”

“I take super-hot showers to practice burning in hell.”

“Have you ever met someone and thought, “There goes the reason why contraceptives were invented?”

“Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered, “Who ties your shoelaces for you?”

“Grammar. The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.”

“I may look calm, but in my mind, I’ve killed you three times.”

“I hope the bus you threw me under swerves to hit you on the sidewalk.”

They say 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40. All I know is the older I get, the more 9PM is the new midnight.

Sarcastic Quotes About Relationships

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“There’s someone for everyone. And the person for you is a physiatrist.”

“There’s no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.”

“My decision-making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.”

“I am a nice person. Just don’t push the b..ch button.”

“I always say ‘Morning’ Instead of ‘Good Morning’ Because if it were a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.”

“My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.”

“My alone time is sometimes for your safety.”

“Tell me how I have upset you because I want to know how to do it again.”

“Teacher: We are going to play the quiet game.Student: Are you playing too?”

“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”

“Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”

“Some people are just treasures that you just want to bury them.”

“Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, because I guarantee you not one bit of my self-esteem is tied up in your acceptance.”

“Don’t take yourself so seriously; no one else does.”

“Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job.”

“I can’t be around people who take everything I say seriously. I’m not mean, I’m just sarcastic as hell, and I like to joke around. Why are you crying?”

“I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.” – Oscar Wilde

“Don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t judge a student by his percentage.”

“Some people are a human version of a migraine.”

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?”

“Smile, it’s the second-best thing you can do with your lips.”

“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”

“I don’t hate you. I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.”

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

“I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

“I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days, I lost two weeks.”

“Just because the voices only talk to me, doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”

“It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half.” – Jess C. Scott

“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”

“It’s nearly time for my Psychotic Break.”

“I don’t hate you. It’s just my attitude that has problems with your personality.”

“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”

“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”

HAVE YOU EVER HAD THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU ARE HOLDING A STICK AND EVERYBODY LOOKS LIKE A PINATA?

Sarcastic Quotes About Fake People

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“Oh. I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”

“Oh. I didn’t tell you. Then it must be none of your business.”

“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.”

“Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wine, and everything fine.”

“Nobody cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” – Cynthia Nelms

“I’ve met some pricks in my time, but you, my friend, are the f..cking cactus.”

“I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.”

“Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”

“See this hand? It’s going to descend in an arc that will, in the process, have contact with your face. Just warning you.”

“Just in case you haven’t noticed, you are ugly both mentally and physically. Other than that? You are wonderful!”

“I’m sorry. What language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.”

“I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t prepared for any follow-up conversation.”

“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”

“Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?”

“My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.”

“Just because nobody complains, it doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” – Benny Hill

“I wasn’t mad, but now that you asked me seven times if I’m mad.. yes, I’m mad.”

“I try not to laugh at my jokes, but we all know I’m hilarious.”

“I thought I had seen the pinnacle of stupid. Then I met you.”

“I’ve got heels higher than your standards.”

“Sarcasm: The ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”

“Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control.”

“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”

“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”

“I’ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can’t catch my breath.”

“I am in one of those moods where I just want to throw the book at someone’s face and be like: I Facebooked you.”

“I almost gave an f..ck. Scared the shit out of myself.”

“Husband: Tell me an interesting fact that will make me happy and sad at the same time. Wife: Yours is bigger than all your friends.”

“How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.”

“Hmmm, I’m going to file your opinions right here between “f..ck this” and “f..ck that.”

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